What if you are relying on false resilience?

You can’t swing a hashtag without hitting a social media post or leadership article about resilience, especially through this crisis.  It is no secret that this is one of the qualities that sets great leaders apart from the rest. I call it my ability to bend, not break.

But did you ever consider that you may be relying on false resilience?

This week’s NSC Coaching Cohort group session pondered this among other questions.  We took a look at the resistance so many of us face as we attempt to move forward toward our goals.  To simplify, think of that resistance as some form or rejection or even more simply, facing a series of “nos.”  It can even come in the form of bias, harassment, microaggression or maybe you’re the victim of politics or perhaps you’re being undervalued or underpaid. The state of being in a bad situation can be a vicious cycle, but we can add fuel to it if we aren’t careful.

Are you prone to excessive positivity?  I’m talking to you optimists out there, the-benefit-of-the-doubt crew, with strengths in faith and servant leadership. You’re probably all putting other’s needs above your own. Every strength has a flip side, and these can (but not always) have the ability to usher you directly into to a state of false resilience.

False resilience will not get you to your happy.  It will not move you forward,  In fact, it can convince you that staying in a negative situation is just fine because you’ve found a way to be positive through it.  False resilience can make you settle.

It follows that we need to truly understand what resilience is before assigning the trait to ourselves too loosely. Resilience requires adversity in order to develop the strength to push through negative situations and even grow from it.  Resilience requires that you feel the effects of that negativity before you allow it to inform your intuition and your best mind.  Resilience says, “what is the opportunity in this challenge,” and the answer isn’t always the comfortable one.

Many falsely assume that resilience means that you are positive and happy through the pain and you just “deal with it.”  In fact, some even remain in a toxic situation, then claim resilience despite the fact that they may have the ability to change their situation.

Remaining in an abusive situation, like under a toxic boss or workplace culture year over year is not resilience.  It isn’t until you’ve come through that experience that you can truly claim that you’ve grown from the situation. You must intentionally ask yourself what is the message in this mess? Answer that question and formulate an action in response to the learning.

Remaining in a situation where you exercise some degree of control over whether you can stay in it or leave it can foster a false sense of resilience.  Yes, some situations take time… but is it really resilience if you’re really only stuck?

Today, I ask you: are you truly resilient, or are you simply putting up with bad behavior?

If you have been in a situation like this, or find yourself in one now, I want to hear from you.  Or maybe you had no idea that your loyalty was actually a form of false resilience.  If so, I’d love the opportunity to speak with you as I’m gathering stories for one of my next projects.  You may also want support navigating through a situation like this. If so, I can help you find clarity and get you moving forward.

Just grab some time on my calendar, and let’s talk.

See you online!
LMS

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